Supreme Court Rules Itself Unconstitutional

In a stunning 8-1 decision, the Supreme Court has ruled, in the case of The Supreme Court vs. The Supreme Court against the constitutionality of the Supreme Court.

Justice Scalia said, "Every since Marbury vs. Madison, the Supreme Court has taken on responsibilities and powers wholly incommensurate with the intent of the Founding Fathers, and must be radically changed to preserve the Constitutional nature of the Republic."

Chief Justice Roberts, writing the majority opinion, wrote, "Of course, the lack of clarity about the Court's role in government stems from the vagueness of the Constitution itself.

Nevertheless, the politicization of the body and it's growing unchecked clout have resulted in a political crisis. The court has seen fit to establish entirely new rights and overturn state and federal statutes at will, and has shielded itself from popular accountability--and, frankly, comprehensibility--through complicated judicial legerdemain."

He added, "Hell, I'm not even sure that Kennedy has even read the Constitution."

Justice Ginsburg agreed, adding that "This is a bipartisan issue. The proliferation of both left-wing judicial activism and right-wing strict constructionism makes a mockery of the supposed non-partisan nature of the Court. We're accepting that the source of legal decisions lies not in precedent or established law, but rather in the political beliefs of justices. The Supreme Court is a de facto super-Congress, with additional powers over the Executive Branch, but one that operates completely without oversight or checks."

Newly appointed Justice Sotamayor also concurred, saying that "The acceptance of identity-informed decisions means that I may justifiably get a different ruling from a particular group of justices with one composition, and yet another from a court with different members. This virtually establishes the court as a political body, rather than one devoted to upholding a particular set of statues. As such, it must either be eliminated, or be held subject to the same principles of democratic accountability that underlie our other political institutions."

Justice Kennedy, known as the crucial 'swing vote,' was the lone defector, saying, "The last 50 years have seen more overturned federal statutes than the previous 150, many of then by narrow 5-4 votes. Issues of utmost national importance--from abortion, to the limits imposed on the President, or even the outcomes of electoral races--are essentially determined by my feelings on any particular day."

He added, "That's totally awesome."

When asked about pending cases, including those pertaining to controversial issues such as gay marriage, Justice Kennedy responded, "How the hell should I know? Let the people decide."